Waiting for replies. Isn't it the worst?

But people with very high emotional intelligence understand that when you find yourself waiting for a reply to a message you sent with high hopes, it's easy to let feelings and fears get the best of you.

You asked about a business proposal you're excited about. Will it work out?

You've followed up with a potential new hire. What will he or she say? Could it be a fit?

You sent a follow-up to someone who asked you to contact them. Will this be the start of something great?

But then, crickets. No reply to your carefully crafted message. And that can lead to anxiety.

They say all writing is autobiography, and of course I've been in this position. The trick is to frame the whole situation in a way that leverages your emotions to work in your favor--by thinking through as many innocuous reasons as possible why someone wouldn't have gotten in touch yet.

In other words, you're training yourself through repetition to think: Of course it's not my fault that they haven't replied; they just have something else going on that's delayed them. 

Here are seven categories of things that highly emotional intelligent people tell themselves to deconstruct the drama from the dialogue, broken up with 27 very specific and legitimate possible explanations.

1.  Wait, am I sure they haven't replied?

When you're waiting on a reply, Rule No. 1 is to check your replies: Did their response land in spam? Promotions? Did you simply look right past it? Search for the person's name, domain, email address, etc. Maybe you won't even have to check out the remaining ideas on this list. (But, read on anyway; there are some gems you'll want to use the next time.)

2. Was there a productivity lapse on their part?

Emotionally intelligent people understand that people sometimes just plum forget to reply to important messages. Other times, there are more details behind the delay. The common thread among these possible explanations is that the lack of reply has little to do with whatever you've proposed. Instead, you can remind yourself that it might be something like:

"They drafted a reply, but forgot to hit 'send.'"

"They've been writing and rewriting the perfect reply, and have now set it aside because they're too close to it."

"They say your message, read it on their phone, accidentally deleted it, and now they're not sure if they imagined it."

"They haven't been able to reply because they're angry or emotional about something totally unrelated."

"They're feeling inadequate or like an imposter, and thus overthinking their response."

3. Is their delay part of a strategy?

Emotionally intelligent people understand that sometimes, a delay in responding is just that: an intentional delay; perhaps they're trying to be emotionally intelligent in their own right, and either leverage your eagerness to hear something back, or else to temper their own emotions and avoid a rash response.

As a result, it helps to put potential names on it, and remind yourself that the reason someone isn't replying might be something like:

"They're eager, but they don't want to seem eager."

"They're concerned that what you've offered makes too much sense, and they're trying to figure out if you have an angle they haven't yet seen."

"Perhaps they think they know what they want to say, but they want to run it by a mentor or partner first."

"Maybe this is just someone who makes a practice of waiting 24 hours or 72 or whatever, all in the hope that you'll blink first and reply again."

4. Is there a technical reason?

Admittedly, in 2023, a massive tech outage is less likely to be the reason for a delay, but it can still happen; maybe more often when people are working from home. Potential reasons:

Tough to prove, but: "They simply never saw the message." 

"They had some kind of password problem." (Or else, maybe their VPN wasn't working right.)

"They misplaced their phone or other device." (In 2023 you'd expect most people would replace it quickly, but still.)

More likely: "Your message was accidentally filtered within their email client, or went to spam."

"They're using a new email productivity app, and haven't yet mastered it."

5. Did something personal happen on their side prevent their reply?

If one of these types of explanations happened, the good news is that you're likely to hear an explanation shortly, likely accompanied by an apology. It doesn't necessarily make the waiting any easier, but emotionally intelligent people hold onto the idea that a reason like one of the following might apply:

"They might have had a personal medical emergency." Let's hope it's something minor, a sprained ankle at the worst. Sometimes the last thing you want to do while you're waiting with an ice pack in the urgent care is to reply to emails.

"They took an impromptu trip with family." (You know what? Good for them.)

"There's some kind of natural disaster where they live that has diverted their attention." Again, let's hope it's fairly minor, but we're in a global workspace; while you're enjoying a sunny spring day, the person you're reaching out to five time zones away might be in the middle of a heat wave or a blizzard.

"Maybe they just don't have good time management skills." (It's good to know your weaknesses, anyway.)

"Maybe they're going along with the entreaty of spouse or partner to unplug/step back from work for a bit."

6. Are they simply managing their priorities?

Related to #3 above, but not quite the same thing. Perhaps they do plan to get back in contact with you as soon as their schedule allows it, but the time hasn't presented itself yet. Possible explanations, of which emotionally intelligent people might remind themselves:

"Perhaps they planned to reply on an airplane, but now the Wi-Fi isn't working."

"Perhaps they're on a tight deadline for something else that they have to finish first."

"Maybe they've just had a flood of emails and messages at the same time, and they're trying to get down the list."

"Perhaps they're focused today on something more long-term or strategic. Maybe they're out of the office for a conference or networking event, or interviewing candidates for a new position."

"Maybe they've delegated their response to you to someone else, and that person hasn't familiarized himself or herself with everything yet."

7. Is it actually good news that they didn't reply?

This is where we reach the ultimate level of emotional intelligence and patience, where you recognize that there might be a bright side to the other side's silence. A few examples:

"Maybe this is just an example of the law of large numbers, and it doesn't matter if this person replies at all, because you expect that a certain large percentage of people never will, and if you keep putting yourself out there and making entreaties, you only need a few eventually to come around."

"Maybe you'll reach the point where the other side will become embarrassed for how long it's taken them to reply, and give you a better response than if they'd gotten back in touch more promptly."

"They say you never know what worse luck your supposedly bad luck might have saved you from. Maybe this is one of those cases, and you're going to be far better off than if you'd heard back. Just have a little faith."

The point of any of these potential explanations isn't that any of them is necessarily correct. In fact, maybe you'll never know which one came closest. 

However, by going through the exercise of thinking of dozens of innocuous reasons why someone might not be getting back to you, you can ease anxiety and prevent yourself from reacting before you're ready.

Inc