Ashton Jackson
Constantly putting others before yourself can be noble, but the people-pleasing trait may come with some toxic pitfalls.
If you ever catch yourself feeling emotionally drained — like you're never able to say "no," or you'll lose your status as an exceptional employee, for example — you might be in trouble, according to Hailey Magee, author of the self-help book, "Stop People Pleasing and Find Your Power," published in May.
"I define people-pleasing as the act of putting others' needs, feelings, wants and dreams first at the expense of your own needs, feelings, wants and dreams," Magee recently told the Harvard Business Review's "HBR IdeaCast" podcast. "So it's not just being kind and generous, but it's sacrificing yourself in the process of doing so."
Magee, who also works with clients to help them moderate their people-pleasing tendencies, said the trait usually shows up in three ways in the workplace:
- Being unwilling to express your needs, like time off or an extended deadline after adding more to your workload.
- Picking up the slack for your colleagues on an assignment or group project, tiring yourself out in the process.
- Giving in to societal pressures, like code-switching as a person of color or being soft-spoken as a woman.
The trait is a common one: In a 2022 YouGov survey of 1,000 U.S. adults, 49% of respondents said they're definitely or probably people pleasers. Professionals who identify as "givers" at work — or often ask the question, "What can I do for you?" — tend to be well-liked by their bosses and colleagues, according to Wharton organizational psychologist Adam Grant.
But it can be at their own expense. "When we're giving through the lens of people-pleasing, outside we may seem easygoing or happy or flexible. But inside, we usually feel resentful or overwhelmed or overworked," said Magee.
How to kick the habit when it turns harmful
People-pleasing isn't inherently bad. You just need to recognize when it's having a negative affect on you, Magee said. Pay attention to moments when you find yourself going over and beyond for others, and how you feel physically or emotionally after doing so.
"So many of us have this habit without being fully aware of it, and so it really helps when we can draw our attention to, OK, when am I people pleasing? What are the signs that something isn't working for me?" said Magee.
Once you're aware of your tendencies, you can create a new habit of removing yourself from the situations that compel them. Try developing a "personal policy" around your emails and other messages, author and leadership coach Melody Wilding wrote on LinkedIn in February: Give yourself a grace period before you respond to anything that isn't truly urgent.
Maybe you stop accepting meetings after 2 p.m., to guarantee yourself time to finish each day's tasks. Or, use "strategic silence," as Wilding put it: Intentionally stay quiet in moments when you'd otherwise raise your hand for extra work or to assist someone else. You'll train your brain to think before acting, and give yourself a stronger sense of control, she wrote.
You probably don't need to stop helping others at work altogether. If you have some extra time to assist someone, and you aren't already feeling burnt out or overwhelmed, doing so can make you feel happier and strengthen your workplace relationships. But don't make it the norm, Magee warned.
People-pleasing "usually harms us more than it helps," she said. "It does actually benefit your workplace for you to be able to show up rested, balanced, and not feeling this subtle lurking resentment toward your workplace and your colleagues."
CNBC
