For defrauding snooper during his last trip to Papa’s Land, we have been thinking of a suitable punishment for the wayward rogue. We decided to send him on a mission impossible, the type that Yoruba people normally send naughty children. He has been in an upbeat mood of late, wearing a superior smile and a new suit from the proceeds of his swindling racket. When snooper asked him the source of his new found affluence, he crowed, “Oga, man pikin be man pikin oo”. We decided we could no longer take his impish insolence.
“Okon,” I called out to him one morning. “I want you to go and interview Soja Idumota for me”.
“I sabi the yeye man”, Okon replied promptly.
“You do indeed?” I asked in quiet amusement and amazement.
“Abi no be dat general wey im head no correct again, wey dey talk to himself and wey dey piss for road?”
“Yes indeed”, I replied.
“Oga, make I ask the yeye man about Dele Giwa becos dem say na im people come put juju for him stout?”
“Yes, but…” I began but the excitable crook cut me short.
On the appointed day, Okon came in with breezy confidence wearing his new suit and looking very dandy. He was also carrying something that looked like a pair of military binoculars. Before I could ask what it was meant for Okon started shooting his mouth.
“Oga, this one na military operation. Dem assault go commence at 2pm sharp from dem Five Cowries Bridge”.
After twelve hours of waiting and giving up Okon for dead, the rogue finally limped home without his suit and tie, looking as if he had just survived a Molue accident.
“Okon, what happened?” I asked as I surveyed the human wreckage.
“Oga, katakata come burst for Idumota“, he groaned through swollen lips.
“What?” I screamed.
“I come reach Maryland and I wan board bus for Lagos. All the bus dem dey say so te, Oyingbo, Oyingbo, Anthony ma wole oo (Anthony, don’t enter). So, I think say dem dey refer to me since my Christian name na Anthony. After three hours I come ask one Yoruba man wetin I do for dem becos dem say make I no enter. The man come look at me and come shake im head. Na im he stopped the next bus and told the conductor, “take him to Oyingbo, but I think his head don knock”.
Snooper was by now convulsing with laughter, but had to stop himself.
“So what happened?”
“Na im I come reach Lagos. I ask one Yoruba man, where Soja Idumota dey and he come ask me, before or now, so I come tell him off say which kind foolish question be that one. Then he come tell me say my head don pafuka. I come waka so te I reach Idumota. Oga the man com use Yoruba juju, he come turn to stone. So as I dey talk to am to behave six area boys come grab me from behind”.
“What did they say?” I asked excitedly.
“One huge funny man com roar “Ma wo ee. Ofe koni won nwo soja Idumota” (Look you, you think you can watch Soja Idumota for free?)“And what did you say?” I asked now laughing freely.
“Oga, dis thin no funny oo. I come think quickly, so I tell them I only watched for five minutes.”
“Owo e one thousand (your fee is a thousand quid)”, the funny man come boom at me. As I paid them that one, another bunch of Yoruba crooks surfaced and demanded for my walking permit. Those one beat the Edika Ekong out of me. I come escape without my coat and shoes. Oga, wetin be digbolugi?”
“Mad dog”, I replied.
“Chei that’s what dem dey scream at me. Na God go punish these Yoruba people.”
First published in 2008.
The Nation
