After his last attempt to import Calabar carnival into Lagos ended in a fiasco with Eyo masquerades from Ilubirin chasing the impudent rascal across the Carter Bridge, it became clear to snooper that very soon, Okon would get his master into trouble with the law.

Each time he was thwarted in a scheme to make some money, Okon comes up with more inventive scams. The last time he ventured near the Marina, he was beaten to an inch of his life for passing off cow dung as the latest aphrodisiac from Bombay. Yet the mad Calabar boy has remained undaunted. Snooper discovered that he has even collected money from some Efik fanatics claiming that he was importing the Donald and Onari road show to Lagos. When we asked him about this, the mad boy retorted, “Oga, if fine boy no find work na fine bara remain”.

As the end of term approached, snooper mounted a discreet surveillance on Okon’s room to make sure he doesn’t import any contraband. What we saw shook us to the marrow. On the two term papers Okon received, he had crossed out the grades of B and B+ and replaced them with E and F. When confronted, Okon exploded:“Oga, the yeye doctor call me and say, I get B, so I come tell am not to joke with Okon, dat I wan E and F. E be excellent and F be say finish, which means say Okon don finish them patapata. Porogodo”

“And what did the man say?”

“The man come dey laugh like hyena for Bakassi. Na im I come cross out him yeye grade and I come put better grade”

“Okon, don’t be a fool”, I shouted laughing uncontrollably.

“Oga dis one no be matter of fool ooo. The yeye man say make I give am feedback and I say I no dey give feedback. Even feed upfront I no fit give. Oga, abi feedback no be another name for egunje? I no know why corruption don finish Yoruba people like this.”

“So what grade did baba make?” I asked.

“Dat one dem come write im initials for am. Dem give am OO”.

 “But Okon, why, why now?”

 “Oga, I think say old age don dey hammer baba. Dem ask am about the problem of theodicy and him com say he get problem with Theophilus Danjuma and Daisy”.

On that perilous note, snooper quickly back heeled away from the mad boy’s lunatic enclave.

• First published in 2007.

The Nation