To the trendy and pace-setting Mercury Television in upmarket Magodo where the impossible Okon is fielding question on the state of the nation having been declared Man of the Decade by a rogue organization calling itself Movement for the Survival of the Indigenous People of Nigeria, MOSOSIPN. It was a wet and soggy morning with thunder crackling in the background as torrential rains pounded the old capital into submission.
The truth of the matter is that the award is the equivalent of a time bomb, akin to hauling out the buried tail of a quiet cobra. Before then, Okon had been strangely silent, his lips having been firmly sealed for him by economic adversity. He had lost all passion and enthusiasm for political hell-raising and had become reconciled to the immutable reality of the status quo. The subsisting economic meltdown is enough to turn the most stout-hearted of men into a political eunuch.
But the Okon on stage this drooling morning was a different proposition altogether. He was his old insolent self all over again, preening and prancing across the stage while eyeing everybody with a haughty stare. He had been joined by a shivering and thoroughly drenched Baba Lekki who cursed everybody on sight while protesting that he had to swim through three mighty rivers before getting to the venue.
“So baba, how you waka come here?” Okon demanded with an impish sneer.
“I no waka. I come swim across dem Alapere Peninsula. Dem fish dey bite me and I come bite dem back”, the old codger whimpered.
“Baba no come cause trouble here. We no dey discuss penis here”, Okon chided the old contrarian.
“Shut up, Okon. Don’t dabble into matters beyond your comprehension”, the old man snarled.
“Ha baba, na true. As for comprehension, I failed that one sotey for school before dem throw man comot”. A contrite Okon replied. The lead interviewer moved to end the tiff between the loony pair.
“Chief Okon, what is your take on the state of the nation?” he demanded.
“I no take am at all at all sam sam”, Okon charged back with superior scorn.
“ I mean what is the state of the nation?” the interviewer asked the crazy chap.
“Ha, dat one na Kogi state. Abi no be for dem state dem give dem mad governor ten billion for debt? Na awuff money be dat one. Dem yeye boy go blow am,” Okon retorted with a wicked grin.
“Okon, dat one na Votamoni (Voter money) Dem wicked boy go spend one billion and him go pocket dem nine. I go reach dem place make I collect my own. As my mother come from dem Iyamoye village dat one na D.E.N”, the old crook snorted.
“Baba wetin be DEN again?” Okon inquired.
“Dual Ethnic Nationality. I fit vote for two states. By the time dem rogue boy spend one billion to buy bush meat for dem pounded yam people, dem all go dey sing Sai baba to dem voting centre”, Baba Lekki crowed with sadistic delight.
“Kai, we don enter dem one chance vehicle for this country”, one angry man screamed.
“Sebi when you enter one chance vehicle you still get one chance, abi? Dis one na no chance vehicle” Baba Lekki responded with heavy sarcasm. It was at this point that a clearly alarmed Okon began to shout. “Make dem security people dey tally wetin baba dey say oo. Efik boy no fit go Kirikiri for Yoruba man oo. Na Yoruba people dey cause trouble for dis country and na dem go vamoose when dem trouble come ooo”.
“Shut up, omo ale (bastard)”, one irate Yoruba man shouted from the audience.
“But why can’t this man just stay at home to fix the problem?“, another man lamented close to tears.
“Ah na Sokugo or wandering disease dey worry dat one”, Baba Lekki snorted with wild relish. Having had enough of the old man, an irate crowd of political partisans leapt on the stage and began to rough handle everybody. As pandemonium reigned supreme, Okon slipped through the back door.
The Nation
