As we have adapted to being homeschoolers, home
hairdressers and cloistered shut-ins, many among us have noticed that our marital skills—and probably our barbering skills as well—could use a refresher class. But where to turn in such an unprecedented time? Who can advise us on how to stay together, when it’s this much together? TIME checked in with three sets of relationship experts who live and work side by side. Here are their top seven tips.
Cool it with the criticism. The right time to point out mistakes is almost never, but midcrisis is egregious. Especially when it comes to money, says Ashley Willis, a marriage and family coach who hosts the Naked Marriage podcast with her husband Dave. “It’s so easy to point fingers and say, ‘I told you you shouldn’t have taken that job.’” Instead, now is the time for appreciation. “It’s really important for people to look for what partners are doing right and express appreciation for it,” says Julie Schwartz Gottman, who co-founded the marital-counseling behemoth Gottman Institute and wrote several best-selling books with her husband John. “Thank them for making coffee, even if it’s for the 500th time.”
Be more curious than furious. With all the new responsibilities brought on by the coronavirus, it may feel like your spouse is not doing enough, but it’s more likely that they’re just distracted or have worries you can’t see. “High stress always brings out people’s relational coping skills, or lack of them,” says Helen LaKelly Hunt, who with her husband Harville Hendrix created the Imago method of marriage therapy and wrote Getting the Love You Want. Just asking your partner a question and actually listening to the answer before pulling the ripcord on an argument can have a positive effect. “Talking is the most dangerous thing people do, especially when they are stressed,” says Hendrix, “and listening is the most infrequent thing people do, especially when they are stressed.”
Buy some time, or trade for it. If possible, build some time alone into the schedule, even if it’s only for half an hour a day. This may require bartering for some moments free of kids or chores for each of you. “It’s hard to have solitude,” says Ashley Willis. “I have to be my own advocate. I need some time.” And no, escaping into screens side by side doesn’t count. You need to not be able to see or hear each other.
Make an appointment for your blowups. If a seemingly insignificant fight is suddenly getting out of hand, the Gottmans recommend postponing it for at least half an hour but not longer than 24 hours. Under the Gottmans’ “conflict blueprint,” as they call it, spouses can work on a resolution only after they can state each other’s opinion to the satisfaction of the other person. “Ninety-five percent of it is about understanding your partner’s point of view,” says John.
Respect the now invisible boundaries. Even though he or she might not look busy, your partner is not just an empty whiteboard waiting for you to write your thoughts and needs. “The way I like to put it is, when I want to talk to Helen, I open the door to her movie theater, where she’s watching her movie, and I’m going to run my movie on her screen,” says Hendrix. “It’s an intrusion.” He suggests asking first if it’s a good time, and if it’s not, then establishing one.
Ask for what you want. Your partner is probably a wonderful person, but almost definitely garbage at mind reading. You need to explain your needs—and be specific. “I would love it if you could plan dinner every second night” is vastly preferable to “You have to help around the house more.” So much is going on that nobody is going to notice everything that every person needs or desires. So ask. Nicely.
If all else fails, try comedy. Being able to laugh at the situation or yourself (although not your spouse) is a big stress reliever. This is why we have dad jokes.
Time
